A GENERAL WITH TAPEWORMS
IN STOMACH

By Manas Paul


When the President of a country- who also happens to be the almighty military general -gets ‘tape worms’ in his stomach, disaster always stares in the face.
So, even if General Zia-Ul-Haq had not died from a plane crash while feasting on mangoes, he would have certainly died of worm-infected diseases. And, death of a military general- that too of the top commander of the largest Islamic Military of the world -due to tiny blood sucking creatures would have by no standard been a very dignified death. In this context, people who masterminded Gen Zia’s mysterious plane crash, CIA, ISI, RAW, Mossad or a bitter individual- whoever these people might have been- they had saved Gen Zia’s honour in death.
It is ironic that while the entire country was angry at Pakistan’s role in Mumbai attack and many a hawk was asking for ‘surgical strike’ on the ‘rogue’ country, I was thinking that New Delhi should send trainloads of sweet dishes to the Pakistanis. After all, the Pak generals are susceptible to sweet-induced worms. And worms kill slowly but steadily. We could have won our war against Pakistan without spending a single bullet.
The idea actually stuck to my mind as I was reading ‘A Case of Exploding Mangoes’ authored by a Pakistani Mohammed Hanif.
This book, which John Le Carre’ described as ‘deliciously anarchic’, dealt with the bizarre time of Gen. Zia in Pakistan and his personal tape-worm infected religious life and ultimately his ‘lavender smelled’ death amidst crates full of mangoes with high profile entourage in a plane crash. It is in this book that characters like Osama Bin Laden in Western suit and flowing beard were found dropping in uninvited in important circles at a party in USA embassy, desperately trying to get some recognition. Ultimately, OBL was seen searching for some food with empty stomach.
Indeed ! Exploding Mangoes is, perhaps, the highest level of expression that is ‘darkly hilarious’ with ‘dark humour and carefully controlled anger’ as described by many.
When Sujaat Bukhari, Bureau Chief of The Hindu in J& K, first asked me to read the book I thought it could be yet another thriller. But as I went through the Exploding Mangoes I found it was not only a thriller of a different kind but one of the three books-- after ‘Le Miserable’ by Victor Hugo and ‘The Day of the Jackal’ by Fredrick Forsyth –which I completed in one sitting. I just could not stop it reading until the last page.
But there is a difference. At the end of the Exploding Mangoes you just get confused as to whether you read a novel or a hard-baked history leading to Zia’s death.
Reading never was such a ‘fun’.
Mohammed Hanif – a former Pilot Officer of Pak Air force who left the job to become a journalist and, now, BBC’s Urdu service chief in London is simply incomparable in his style and dry sarcasm.
All would agree, wives when terribly angry –which they often are –tend to keep away the husbands from their bedroom. Nothing unique in it. Married gentlemen somehow learn to live with such womanly misdemeanour and excuse the lady-at-home for his mosquito beaten lonely night for a good cup of tea next morning.
But that was not the case for Gen Zia.
Soon after the bloodless coup the mighty military man with a big and dancing moustache in the first meeting had beaten down his whisky-drinking-not-so-pious- generals with the most unlikely threat - a theology class. The Sand Hurst educated ‘mullah in four star General’s uniform...and with the instinct of a corrupt tax inspector’ gave them a long lecture on his idea about ‘Allah’s nomenclature’ and left all the battle hardened military veterans with so many colourful ‘salads’ pinned up in their chest simply stunned, and reeling under a religious shock.
Gen Zia might have all-devouring tape worms in his stomach but that did not deter him from evoking instant fear among his countrymen by hanging Z. A. Bhutto to death ignoring world pressure.
But when it came to dealing with his wife, poor Gen Zia was as helpless as a middle class drunk on the road who is afraid of meeting his wife with stomach full of whisky. In fact, Begum Zia kept the Pakistani President away from her bedroom night after night. No, Zia never drank, nor did he quarrel over any petty homely matter. He was only photographed while ogling at an American lady reporter during an interview, the way a 60-over General should not.
And for the Pakistan Information Minister it was certainly a difficult task to stand solid covering the spelling mistake in the banner pasted behind the Pakistani President when he was distributing doles to ‘widows’ under video camera. The banner spelled ‘Window’ instead of ‘Widow’. However, on that day the bigger problem for both the Information Minister and his President was when Begum Zia in a murderous mood appeared there. She was eagerly waiting to meet the General with a folded newspaper that carried his picture with the lady reporter in hand like a baton.
One of the most funny images that crossed my mind while reading the book was : how a constantly Dunhill smoking military Major who ran to his General - also his President- with full uniform but sporting a pair of Peshwari ‘chappal’, would have looked like.
The Major saluted his general in full military smartness but his ‘chappalled’ leg banged down on ground with a flopping sound that did not definitely match the military dignity.
This chappal wearing officer happened to be Major Kiyani of ISI.
Hanif was clearly talking about present Pakistan army Chief Gen Kiyani – who still smokes his Dunhill and had his stint in the ISI.
And, how an ISI chief is transferred in Pakistan? No, not for bungling a case involving India. The ISI chief loses his job when a police constable punishes his President and makes him a 'rooster' on road.
Well, Hanif did give us an idea when Gen. Zia replaced ISI head Gen. Akhtar by Gen. Beg.
Gen Zia had asked many long-serving world leaders as to how he could also remain in power for years like them. Fidel Castro told him to ‘drink lots of water with rum’, Kim il Sung told him not to watch ‘depressing movies’ and King Abdul Aziz made a crisp comment ‘ How would I know? Ask my doctor’.
Gen Zia thought his friend Ceausescu of Romania would tell him to ‘drink a pint of fresh blood every day’. But actually the ruler from the land of Dracula advised him to ‘go out’ in the public and ‘listen’ to people like Caliph Omar the Second.
Just the idea General loved. But the problem was he was afraid of going out. In fact, he did not even shift to the Presidential House but confined himself to Army house under Red Code security. He even was reluctant to attend National day celebration in public. The National Day celebration was stage managed with all army men and trusted people around and then aired by official media.
Nevertheless, Gen Zia inspired by Ceausescu, somehow managed courage and borrowing a shawl from his wife one night went out to road with his gardener’s bicycle. He was stopped by a police constable who kicked away his bicycle for not having a light. The policeman then ordered and forced the President of Pakistan to act like a ‘cock’- a childish punishment meant for school boys.
The constable shoved the President’s head down by one hand as his other hand was busy smoking a cigarette.
‘ Gen Zia reluctantly put both his hands through his legs and tried to reach for his ears’.
Gen. Zia was also forced to tell jokes about ‘Gen Zia’ to the constable. The cop, much to General’s dismay, was found to be well aware that Begum Zia did not allow him in her bed room.
As Gen Zia still acting as a 'cock' painfully announced his identity, the cop remarked:
‘Isn’t one General Zia enough for this poor nation? Do we need crazies like you running around in the middle of the night pretending to be him?’
This was enough for Gen Zia who by now was pretty sure that his ISI chief Gen Akhtar was giving him all bull-shits about his popularity. On that night only Gen Akhtar’s life as eyes and ears of the master ended. He was made ‘chairman of Joint Chief of Staff Committee’- the job required only to ‘inaugurate some housing complex’.
Hanif was, however, the cruellest in observing Osama Bin laden. In the US ambassador’s party Osama picked up a journalist for some small talks and wanted his pictures to be taken. But the journalist did not give him a damn. Disappointed, Osama went to local CIA chief named ‘Chuck Coogan’ who just said ‘Nice suit OBL...How is the business brother?
Osama replied, ‘Allah has been very kind. There is no business like the construction business in times of war’.
At the end as none took much interest on the man from ‘Laden and Co Constructions’ Osama found ‘himself strolling on the empty lawns amid discarded paper plates, half eaten hot dogs and chewed up bones. He suddenly remembered that he had not as yet eaten. He went towards the tent from where he had smelled the lamb’s fat burning’.
But unfortunately for the Master Terrorist of the future there was nothing left. Osama Bin Laden had to leave the party with empty stomach as others could enjoy it in the fullest.
The protagonist of the novel Ali Shigri -an under officer of Pak Air force is perhaps lone conspirator in the world who could have come out with an audacious plan to kill Zia with snake venom during a drill inspection. He indeed succeeded by pricking Zia with his poisoned sword in a fake accident, but then, there another assassination plan was running side by side that would have used a fatal gas contained in lavender room freshener and hidden in the air conditioner of the Pak One. This plan was hatched by Gen Akhtar with his man Major Kiyani. Both succeeded. The plane exploded as Gen Zia with American Ambassador Arnold Raphel and others were feasting on mangoes that were gifted to him by some Mango association. What, however, the worst of destiny –almost to the tune of Greek tragedy – is that Gen Akhtar had to be also aboard the same plane where he had planted the gas. He also died with full knowledge of what fate was in store for them hidden in the air conditioner.
Gen Zia hoped he would get the Nobel Prize for peace as he played a key role in ousting the Godless Russians from Afghanistan. Gen. Zia was also magnanimous in expressing his desire to ‘share the Nobel Prize’, if needed, with the American envoy.
Unfortunately the General’s last wish was not fulfilled. But General Zia was a pious man who offered five Namaz every day and wept profusely when in Mecca. He would certainly be blessed- tapeworm or no tapeworm. After all in the very beginning Mohammed Hanif had assured the readers through one of his characters Obaid: ‘God’s glory, God’s glory. For every monkey there is a Houri’.



Published on 16-01-2009